A few days ago, I was struck by a mad desire. A desire so obsolete, so obscure, I had forgotten it existed inside of me. Yes, I realised that my life would not be complete unless I owned a LaserDisc Player.
“But blog-writing stranger,” I hear you wail. “Why would you want to own the player of a truly obsolete ’90s physical media.” Well, dear reader, it’s because laserdisc is the most BADASS of all physical media.
Let’s face it, DVDs are a bit poncey. They’re small, they’re cheap, they don’t put up much of a fight. They sit there, all superior, selling to mediocre people with their mediocre movie tastes.
NOT SO WITH LASERDISC.
When you buy a laserdisc copy of any movie, you’ll struggle to keep the waves of poon off you as you walk home. Women (or men) will flock to you, enquiring about what vinyl record you’ve bought before they realise that BAM it’s a goddamn motion picture in your hands. “That’s amazing,” they’ll howl. “How can a movie be on that massive disc?” When you explain to them the epic tale of laserdisc, you will become a folk legend. The Man Who Stood Up Against Boring DVDs.
LaserDisc was invented by God sometime around the ’70s. It was so ahead of its time, people were too afraid to look upon it until the late ’80s to ’90s. Eventually taken up by a brave company known as Pioneer, the laserdisc became the format of all superior humanoids.
You may be wondering how I came to know about laserdisc and its wonders. Well, once upon a time, I accidentally bought classic movie, Re-Animator, in laserdisc format. When the postman came to the door and couldn’t even fit the disc through the letterbox, I knew something was up. Ripping into the package, I stood in wonder at this gargantuan, vinyl sized copy of Re-Animator. “What is this?” I thought. It wasn’t long before I did some reading up and discovered all about this forgotten media. I was smitten. I had never seen laserdisc in the video rental stores, or anywhere for that matter, all through my youth. Clearly, it was a government conspiracy to keep me in the dark about truly great things, so as I don’t become an individual and a menace to society. For years, that copy of Re-Animator has sat in my room - unwatched, unloved.
NOT FOR LONG.
I WILL hunt down and acquire a laserdisc player and enjoy movies as they were intended: on a cumbersomely large disc and requiring said disc to be flipped many times during a single sitting.
I leave you with this video document of cultural legends, Devo and Ray Charles, as they talk about laserdisc. Enjoy and have a great day.
